I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha