I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
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Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!