I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
You Might Also Like
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Clients after you give them your rates
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Before crowbars crows drank alone
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Maths meets science
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”