People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
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Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
put ‘er there pardner!
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then