The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
me, after any kind of buffet.