i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
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Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going