i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
You Might Also Like
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The government even made aliens boring
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.