The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!