I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
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lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Is your wife single?
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day