I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
You Might Also Like
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”