AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
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For anyone who needs this today
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Look at this
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala