@IncrediblyRich: I'm wearing my big rolled up socks again today and I'm doing so with pride. So all you haters can get in a taxi and chip off.
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@SortaBad: Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work? *flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn't find a thermos* "Yes"
@woodmuffin: "For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why
@J_Mainwaring69: *Judge raises hammer* "I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE" -*defendant chuckles* "I'm already alive you MORON!"
@jazmasta: Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there'll only be 2 "hits"; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.