I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
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Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.