I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Traveler’s camo
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.