Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
You Might Also Like
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
man: wait
time: no
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener