[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
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[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks