“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
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Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
#parenting
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.