@est1975blog: I'm "whenever my mother calls, I think it's because someone's dead" years old.
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@shariv67: I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
@Sanbel11: Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can't sit through my daughter's violin recital without a desire to die.
@teacup_giraffe: Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say "What's up, Chad?" & he'll be all "Whoa... How'd you know my name, bro?"
@lovemydogduck: Dear Santa, My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.