After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.