[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨