I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
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Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
The honesty is refreshing
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
What the hell is going on?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
That’s amazing.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.