I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
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I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.