5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
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In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
🤣🤣🤣🤣
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??