[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
You Might Also Like
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them