I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
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Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[eulogy]
line?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?