I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
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[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.