I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
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Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Cardio Made Easy
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday