@JennyJohnsonHi5: I'm working on a screenplay called '127 Seconds' about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@novicefather: Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not "like Dan Aykroyd."
@iamburtjarvis: ufo crew: why are we hovering? ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs ufo crew: why not land? ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up? Me: Yeah. Wife: Good. Me: Why? Wife: No reason. Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Here, taste this.
@kumailn: Be great if just once the winning actor was like "I mean it wasn't a particularly strong group this year, but still."