I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.