A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.