I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
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Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
welp
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.