@bencoffeehall: I'm working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
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@SteveSuckington: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? Me: hmm that's a tough one. I guess I'd probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
@joeljeffrey: I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
@withanewname: Teacher: We're going to need you to work with your daughter on humility. Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I'll give it a shot.
@AnotherFunnyGuy: If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.