@bencoffeehall: I'm working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
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@slimmy_shady: I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
@panmidwest: [Therapist's Waiting Room] ME: you're gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren't you WIFE: yup ME: I knew it!
@MiahSaint: Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
@djdarrellripley: *At The Opera* Her: Where are you going? Me: I have to go to the Men's Room. Her: I have the car keys. Me: Shit!