I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
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So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir