I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
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[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”