I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.