Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Accurate
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Sunday
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
ugh not again