I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…