I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
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“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
remember
only for emergencies
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..馃槒馃槈
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren鈥檛 you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that鈥檚 what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
馃ぃdope
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Some of you won鈥檛 be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven鈥n addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties鈥鈥檒l reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there鈥檚 a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.