I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
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Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
The second world war should have been called world war returns
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it