The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
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Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*