Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
You Might Also Like
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Legend 🤣🤣
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
yeah not falling for this one
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.