imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
incredible book dedication