imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
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When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Comparing yourself to others
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill