Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
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Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news