I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.