@Jandalize: Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That's about right.
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@i_wantMyBiitch: Never ask Google for relation advice. I've gone from small disagreement to getting two mails from divorce lawyers in three clicks.
@FinnMcIver: everyone's always saying 'the good ones die young', 'god only takes the best'. so I must be immortal
@aveuaskew: When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting "I'm pregnant" to random numbers.
@Serious_Law_Guy: Me: Your honor, he's not asking the witness any questions. He's just reading Harry Potter to the jury. Judge: Yeah, I'm gonna allow it.