Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
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Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
LMAO
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs