Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
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The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles