[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys