Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
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I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.