@drewjanda: Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
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@LuvPug: My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, 'you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can't see it? That.'
@sofarrsogud: ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed? VICTIM: No ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
@notacroc: [alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti] ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti
@Lovestained555: Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.