Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
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invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house