Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
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I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!