Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
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I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.